Finding Myself

Yes, once again my love life has taken a mighty turn. I guess you could say that Tina knew more than I could ever give her credit for.

So I decided that I was just sick and tired of waiting for Vidal to return my love. I don't know what his problem is. I mean, I can tell he wants me. It takes all his restraint to stop himself from feeding from me when offered. I think he is scared of loving too much and losing himself. Well, I decided I needed to rile him up a bit. What a better way than visiting my dear beloved sire, who happens to be his worst enemy! Vidal also knows that I am not only one drink away from becoming addicted, but one away from being blood bonded to Mr. Matheson. He is always on my thoughts. I also have been trying to find out a little more on my blood lineage. Because Mr. Matheson is so old, nobody knows anything about it but him. So what better reason to go for a visit. I decided to go for a drive.

I let Alexander (Vidal's right hand man) know where I was going, just in case Matheson tried something sneaky. I also told Tina, who thought it was a fantastic idea at the time. Then...she thought about it a little more and had second thoughts. She called Alexander with her worries and made a HUGE deal out of it. Like I am not capable of handling myself! It's sweet and all, but please... have you seen my claws! Anyway, I take off. Ohhhh how my plan succeeds! However, I got a little more than I was planning for.

Vidal sends a message to Pearl demanding that she send her pets Louis and Tina after me to make sure I am safely returned home. He doesn't want to lose me after all. However, I think he might be a little too late.

I arrive and Matheson's house and am greeted by the gentleman that I once knew and loved. He was as regal and handsome as ever! I find that not only has he kept his promise to me that he would better the living standards of his cattle, but he is now paying them as well. Then he makes his move! Asking me if I need sustenance over and over again. Then he goes and slits his wrist letting his enthralling vitae drip into his glass. This is where I needed to make a choice.

Earlier, Tina and I had a conversation about her bond to Pearl. She asked me if I wanted true love, or just something made up and forced upon me for life. This popped into my head at that very moment. She was right! I wanted true love, not some artificial love that I could choose never to leave. I didn't want one sided love from Matheson, Vidal, or anyone else for that matter! I resisted, even though that longing in his eyes made me hesitate in my words. He was very upset and threw the glass across the room. I don't blame him. He misses me and wants me to stay with him. Then I could tell where his true feelings lay. He truly did love me. I asked him not to ask me of that again, and he stopped. Though he told me not to return, in fear that my beauty would force him to go back on his word and ask again. I also found out that he had risked his life in the city following me for years when I was mortal. I asked him if one day he would be willing to bond himself to me forever, if I ever wished to stay with him. He replied by telling me that he would, but neither of us are ready for that step in our unlife. I left Mr. Matheson with a simple kiss to help me remember what I longed to come back to. Well, Tina and Louis finally show up and I go home with them. I know I look delicate, but as they could see I could take care of myself.

Now that it is all over, I think I have figured some things out. I understand why Matheson drank from me and asked me to leave in the beginning. He knew that I could never learn what I needed to about being a vampire banished away with him in the bayou. He knew that I needed to be in the city to experience and discover. Though it hurts him greatly to be away from me, he knows, as do I, that there is still more for me to learn. I am going back to the city, though my heart longs for him more than it ever did. Knowing his true feelings and now understanding his actions, show me what kind of gentleman he really is. I plan on going back to him someday. When we are both ready. This information of course will not leave my lips in fear of what Vidal might do or say.

All in all, I must give credit to Tina where credit is due. She helped me understand what I wanted out of love. She also helped me realized, as I am sure she knew all along, that I was covering up my broken heart with the false love of Vidal. I never loved him. My heart has always been with Mr. John Harley Matheson, and always will.